"A Staggering, eventful development story”
Our life is a series of choices. In every moment we make a decision choosing between the road we see as right or wrong. I had long been on a wrong way when, due to a grave medical malpractice, the amputation of my left leg seemed to be unavoidable. During the following 12 months I lost my sight, lost 60% of my body weight, and my kidney was nearly removed. When finally my disease was diagnosed correctly, the cancer cells were already winning. By the time my oncological treatment started, I had become weak and lost all hope.
I got lost.
After an abrupt recognition in a scared moment I met a polite, middle-aged women. She saw a desperate, morbidly thin figure covered in a blanket, sitting in a wheelchair at the corridor. She wanted to help immediately.
Who are you looking for, young man?
Which department are you from?
Who’s your doctor?
What’s your name?
Can’t recall ….
The above discussion took place at the deepest point of my life, at the beginning of March 2007. By that time, my organisms had been impaired to such an extent by the diffuse large cell Non-Hodgkin lymphoma and the Hodgkin syndrome diagnosed a few weeks before, that my oncological treatment became impossible. Due to the carcinoma cells that attacked my optic nerves I literally did not see the future, waiting for the end in a helpless state.
And it nearly happened.
I was unconsciously floating for 8 to 10 days between life and death. The inevitable collapse took place.
Then I experienced the catharsis of return.
Several, clinically incalculable factors were needed for a miracle to happen after an early morning collapse of my organisms. Thanks to the feat of doctors and nurses struggling for my life, I became the “exemplary patient” of the Haematology Department in that year. From the state I returned not many did without irreversible damages of physiological functions. Between January 2006 and August 2007 I spent more time in the sick-wards of various hospitals than at home. During the treatment of posttraumatic symptoms caused by the 145 days of hospitalisation, I started to write down my experiences for therapeutic reasons as suggested by my oncology-psychologist.
In my life before the crisis I involuntarily focused on the differences between the people I met and myself; nevertheless, since my cathartic return I have been spontaneously responding to common points I find in people and me.
During writing my experiences I received inspirations again and again, and after a while I realized that I included the preliminaries of my death-struggle and conclusions valuable for others in the Canossa story. All this were manifested in a musical form in the oratory with the same title.
Thanks to the cure-like chemotherapeutic treatments, and radial therapies aimed at my frontal lobe, I recovered and during that time I had time to figure out when I got lost. The process resulted in a paradigm shift. I was able to find the code of error first, which was leaded to my conflicted life cycle of looking for differences. After I solved it, I rewrote it and then, along with my Ariadne thread, I found my way out from my maze of labyrinths and dismantled it. Since then my first goal is that to find the intersecting consensus with people in contact with me.
At the same time I started writing and composing. The self-healing mechanism kicked in. I relived the history leading up to the crisis. The near-tragedy of the collapse, the catharsis of the comeback and the euphoric moments of finding harmony of being. This is how the Canossa music and book came into being.
During this period, I experienced the beneficial impact of cancer on the development of my personality.
2001 - 2005: The unbearable pain in my shin causes chronic insomnia.
January, 2006: The orthopedic surgeon operates on me by a superficial diagnosis. A gross malpractice happens. During the operation conducted instead of taking a histology sample, he trepans my shin-bone. I am wrecked. At several of my limbs pus is leaking. I fall into despair.
May 2006: I see a septic bone surgeon professor. The operation brings horrors that I could not imagine before. The 18th-century hygienic circumstances in the hospital, the pungent smell of wounds of people with missing limbs moving in wheelchairs, the lack of aesthetic losing its impact because the scheduled operation was postponed twice and the planned operation was changed during conducting the operation. And then the lasting post-operation abasia increased the drama: MRSA (Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus). A professional team considers the amputation unavoidable. I fall into an even stronger despair, but I do not give my consent.
December 2006: I am getting weaker day by day. My pains allow only one and a half or two hours of sleeping. My fitness does not allow any physical activity, and nothing else but going to the toilet and take in fluid. Due to the lack of feeling hungry, I hardly take in any solid food.
January 2007: The internal check-up diagnoses metastatic haematopoietic system tumour. During the period following the operation, I lose 60% of my body weight, I become practically blind and my kidney is nearly removed.
February 01 2007 – September 17 2007: Cancer cells are about to win. I lose my strength. By the time my oncological treatment starts, I lose hope. For 8 to 10 days I am unconsciously floating between life and death. On a nightmarish dawn I collapse. I see my inert body from above. By the following morning, I regain consciousness, though it cannot be explained clinically. I am still bedridden, but by the advice of the oncology-psychologist of the doctor team, I start to review my life. By the time I find searching in my memory the harmonious period when I was surrounded by genuine, unconditional love, my physical condition also improves as much that the elimination of cancer cells can be started by using “nuclear and chemical weapons”. As a result of series of chemotherapy treatments, and radiotherapy targeting my frontal lobe, I regain my sight by autumn, and the PET/CT examination in September confirms a complete metabolic remission.
April 2008 – February 2009: The diagnostic tests verifies the recurrence of my basic disease. An outpatient chemotherapy is started. As a result of the series of treatment I become symptom-free. The flow of love at home turns out to be temporary. My home becomes a conflict zone again.
September 2009: My oncology-psychologist observes posttraumatic symptoms. To prevent deterioration of my condition he has two recommendations: I should write down my mental shocks and with my partner I should see him. I start a blog and I publish my experiences under the name “Canossa”. I receive plenty of positive feedbacks from my readers. The couple therapy fails.
January 2010: The crisis in my relationship proves to be irreversible.
February 2011: I meet a woman who has an elementary effect on me. A euphoric feeling never felt before replaces the overwhelming pessimism in my soul. Genuine love forms between us. While I am re-activating my music project created in 1987, I find fellow- creators more innovative than I found ever before.
May 2012: In the midst of emotional and financial blackmail and melodramatic clichés, after long period of hesitation, I terminate my love relationship. The conflicts at home do not cease at all. The thirst of emotional desert in my relationship irresistibly flies me back to Love. In a fight humiliating for both of us, I leave my partner with my luggage that can be placed in a car, and my lakeside house I created and used to find idyllic. On new bases, my new life with my love.
December 2012: My life is on the right track again. I find my ideal place and right way. By that time, the majority of my previous circle of friends is replaced. I can observe a quality improvement of the remaining relationships. Apart from this, new, emotionally and intellectually more valuable and lasting relationships are born.
July 2013: I decide to add more details to my story published in the blog. A process of creation starts during which the ideas conceived inspire musical compositions.
August 2013 - August 2018: Based on the same theme, I create Canossa music and book. I summarize the preliminaries leading to the crisis, the collapse nearly resulting in tragedy, the catharsis of return and the elevating moments of creating the harmony of existence. During this, I experience more and more often the beneficial effect of cancer on the development of my personality.